summingthingsup
2009-12-26 5:34 a.m.
Locked the diary for awhile cause I haven't been blogging. This shall be the last entry in this blog, if I ever start blogging again it'd be somewhere else.
One entry to sum things up.
It's been a long, hard year. Experienced emotions I haven't experienced before, went through things that I'd rather not go through. Screwed up too many things at one go too, in my opinion.
I know I really did try my best for one of those things, but sometimes one's best isn't enough. I learned that when put in a leadership/prominent position whatsoever, people will ALWAYS be judging. Sometimes we hear about what people think of what we've done, sometimes we don't. Some may think that I've done a wonderful job, some may think that I sucked. I guess I'm a proud perfectionist. I'm not used to screwing up and I HATE screwing up, I hate it when people view me in a negative light and I simply can't take criticisms. It's retarded though, cause if I continue like this I'll never make it in life. So THAT, has to change. Even though it's been so damn long, I realized yesterday that it still stings, and it really amazes me. I guess it really meant alot to me. But hi, if I want to be in such positions I simply need to learn how to take such shit from people and grow and just simply prove them wrong.
The second thing I screwed up was when I simply just lost my fire. I really could have done it better but I guess I just didn't care anymore.
So yeah, one chance to save things. It won't right the wrongs but it will mean alot to me. I need to find the fire, the drive, the determination I THINK I once had. I really lost too much in the midst of growing up this year, and turned into someone that I'm not proud of. There were so many sources of pain that it drained everything I had, and I just wanted to heal. I'm sure there's still something left in me. There better be.
Someone from long ago in my life suddenly appeared today and struck many thoughts and evoked many memories from long ago. The trip down memory lane made me realize how amazing it is for me to have what I have today, and how I should really treasure and appreciate what I have today, and how special everything is.
Things HAVE to change in the new year.
Byebye 2009, you've been memorable.
-bye pot. bye kettle.-